Be Who YOU Are!!!

So many times I have felt like I was in a rut. Trying to be somebody I was not. I grew up and had a wonderful life. I was exposed to many things and enjoyed my life. I have been doing some sole searching this past year so far and it has come to a major point this past week. Through my search I have realized how throughout life I have been told who I was and what I liked. Even to be more exact I have been taught what I did not like. Anyway, yes I am a mom and a wife, I am an employee at a large state school, I am a friend to those who let me in. I am all the things that everyone else in the world seems to be, but I have realized just this past month..... I AM ME!!! I like me, yes I have days and even weeks where life is hectic and I lose track of me, but for the most part I enjoy being the person that I am. I think what has inspired this intense sole searching is the fact that I have this little 3 year old that is busting at the seams of life. She is such an individual who is so ready to take on the world. She is uninhibited, she is smart, ( too smart sometimes), she is definite on what she wants most all the time. I look at her and think, "Please God do not ever take this away and do not let me do anything to stunt this drive within her."

I think looking at her I have realized that I am a person too. I am a person too. I have for so long stiffened the gifts God has given me because they did not fit in with the norm. I have put aside a passion for life, my husband, my friends, and even my God, because it seemed like it was not the right time or place to exhibit it. Am I ashamed of this, of course I am. I feel sometimes as if God has called me to be something that I have decided on my own to stiffle.

I guess what I am saying is that I am so ready to be what the inside of my heart was made to me. I am ready to do things even if people will think I am odd. I am ready to love life no matter what happens. I am ready to serve God no matter how extreme it seems. I am ready to act as in love with life, my husband, my kids, my daily routine as I really am. Yes I would love to stay home with my children, but now it seems that is not in the "plan". So instead of complaining, I will be happy where God has placed me because there is just as much for me to do for God there as anywhere.

Ok here is the thing I have been a chameleon my whole life fitting in, blending in. I was molded to be this way.... I am here to say.... I am breaking out of this mold... so WATCH OUT WORLD!!!

Sometimes You Just Want a Taco

Ok Ok... This is weird I know, but I am so HUNGRY for a Taco. I love Taco Bell. Ever since Lorrie said she went there yesterday, that is all I have wanted. (Thanks Lorrie).

I went to bed craving it and now I still want one. Truthfully right now it is all I can think of.

Well I will try to think deeper from here on out. THis has been a good week. Busy, but good. Everyday this week and next have been early mornings when I have to be at work at 6:30. I HATE getting up to an alarm clock and sure enough I have had to. I miss seeing my kids in the morning. I get through Monday and Tuesday and look foward on Wednesday to my therapy session at church. I love just talking about sometimes pointless stuff. Just normal people talking about fun stuff and life. I learned I am just as crazy as everybody else. VERY COMFORTING!!!!

Today being Friday means that I am one step away from the weekend. We are hoping to get together with the Durham's this weekend. We always enjoy that.

This will mean nothing to anyone who reads this but I have to leave you with Megan's bedtime prayer last night... it went like this." Jesus...bless mommy, pappa, peter, me, zion, and baby benjamin caleb, i pray he blows out of mommies belly really soon, I pray that you would give us all our sins and bless me when I sleep. Amen"

You just can not get much more precious than a child.

Ok 1 hour till lunch and I think I will go hunt a taco bell.

EASTER SUNDAY!

I love Easter, no matter what the weather it is such a wonderful day. A day filled with so much happiness and hope. Today we arose and went to church, our church has just started having morning worship so we really enjoyed that. Peter was dedicated today and that was a real blessing. I know some people do not feel it totally necessary, but I just really like the idea. After that Megan participated in a dance and she did so well. ( of course I was so proud of her).

We came home and all took great naps. Those feel so good!

I'm still trying to get my house in order, I pray it happens soon I am getting over the little messes. I know it could be worse. Oh well too much to be thankful for to get down about house work.

Christ the Lord is Risen TODAY!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!!

I LOVE SPRING!!!

Yesterday was a great day. We started out with plans to go to the zoo. AS soon as Caleb got home that is where we headed. We had a great time there. Megan loved the animals. We were able to see an elephant panting and then when we got to the gorilla's ( which is my favorite) he was sitting right at the window. It was so funny because Megan was amazed and shouted very loudly...." look mom, his chest looks like pappa's." We all laughed.

After getting home, Caleb had to run out to do some more teaching and the kids took a great nap. To say the least it was a very peaceful day.

Today, we are going to get Easter Hair cuts and then to an egg hunt in the afternoon.

I love Easter, there always seems to be such a light feeling in the air. No matter what the weather, there is a freedom that only comes in the Spring.

WHAT A WONDERFUL WEEKEND!!!

Saturday started out busy as usual. I went to the Women's Expo to see Caleb and his group do a demo on Womens self defense. It was great, I loved going to the expo ( I have not gotten to go in a while) and I enjoyed being able to support Caleb. I had Peter with me, while Megan got to go to her Grandmommy's to dye Easter Eggs and make cookies. Peter was great and Megan had fun too. As soon as we arrived home, Caleb got home too. It was nice because he cery rarely is home when we are. We had a very low key night and enjoyed being together.

Today is Sunday and we arose to a beautiful day. We decided that today was the day we were going to lay our floors in the living room. Caleb is going to have a down week with no co-ops so we thought it would be a great week. Needless to say Caleb is almost done, he had about 5 more boards to lay and the floor looks great. I am so sore from helping I can barely move, but it is a great "tired" feeling. The kids helped where they could and now they are tucked tightly into bed. We missed our, what has been our Sunday night ritual, with the Durham's of getting together and playing cards,but atleast we have the floor done and now it is just time to put everything back into its place. I think had I taken Caleb away from his job, it might have never gotten finished.

Before I close for the night, I was thinking how wonderful it is to see your Children begin to understand things about the Bible. Last night we were watching a movie and there was a bad guy in it and Megan asked Caleb what it meant to be a bad guy. Caleb explained in a very childlike way and she turned to him and said. " Pappa when you are a bad guy your heart is black with sin, but if you asked Jesus to come into your heart it will be white as snow." I was shocked!!! I could not believe how much she is really had been listening to me as I talked to her and read her stories. More than that, This Easter season I have seen her soak up more and more of God's truth so much that I heard her tell her doll today that Jesus died on a cross. I know it might not be completly understood as it should be, but I do see how important it is for me to not give up but to continue teaching her even when I think her little mind is so far away.

I look foward to this Easter week!!!! Spring is here ( I hope)

I'M BACK HOME

Well it is Friday evening and I am home. I had to go out of town with work. It was a nice time, but I always worry about the home front while I am gone. I hate leaving my family, but I guess it is good for everyone. I learned a lot and got some great ideas to implement in my class. I needed some help. When I arrived home the kids were having such fun with their grandmommy that they were not too thrilled to see me. That is ok, that just tells me they had a great time with her. Caleb is getting ready for a tournament tomorrow so I guess it will be very late when I see him.

I am very glad to be home and back in my own comfy envirionment at home. I really like being home.

The Little Things

I have realized more today than ever how the Lord cares about the little things in life that we worry so much about. He knows our every need and is there before we even think to ask for Him. I love that song that states that His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me. It is such a comfort knowing that even if the problem is minute, He thinks it is big enough and He handles it with such care. He is so good!

Rain Rain Rain

Today has started out well for the most part. I am getting to go into work a little later due to me working late other day. I enjoy when I can get up and get my kids going and out the door. I think my mom is coming today to watch them because my husband has to get some things done today before and after his co-op. It is fine. On days like this I kind of like them to be cozy in their own home.

Well in my small break from writing this, my mom called and she said she is not feeling well. What do I do now. I have to teach at 10:30 and Caleb is already gone for the day. This is the turmoil that a mom goes through daily. The neat thing is, is that he always provides something in my distress. I think my dad is going to end up coming which will be good. Mom may too. It is just so stressful to not know what is going on with the most important people in your life, your little ones.

Oh well, it will work out and I know all will be well. Caleb will be gone most of the weekend doing some seminar. I have my work cut out for me here putting all my stuff in a place. I am looking foward to being home. I like getting out, but I think I will enjoy some home time.

I think for today I will try to stay as positive as I can and remember that the Lord is in charge of every minor detail and that he cares more for my family than I will ever.

Well Megan just walked in with red fingernail polish all over the front of her dress. I better go.

Thursday

Well today was very busy. I got up early and started my day by going to my grandaddy's inorder to meet the movers to help me get some of his furniture to bring to my house. The morning went very fast. The feeling was very bitter sweet. I love his condo and I have always found so much peace through the years as I have entered into it. Today, since I was the last to get my stuff, as I entered the condo, it was very empty. I began to think over how many times I had prowled through his cabinets for whatever I could find, or showed up only to find him asleep sitting straight up in his easy chair. He was always a man who loved giving to other people.

Anyway as I was moving stuff out and into my own home I got into work mode and began to forget all my feelings that I had had earlier in the day. I began to put stuff away and make room for what was new. I almost felt as if he were right there coaching me along to keep going . Needless to say I left for a while and went to get the kids and take Megan to dance. When I came home tonight I felt such a peace. THe kids were asleep and as I came in, my house just smelled like him and his house. He was the cleanest man I have ever met and everything he touched just oozed freshness.

I have never met a man more polished and refined in all my life.

I think in the days that have laid between his death and today I have felt like I have not had time to just CRY. I think I find that the times when I am alone I fill my mind with anything I can to not have to think about the inevitable. I felt I was silly to not let go of him. He was my sounding board, my dear friend, a brilliant grandfather and even better great grandfather. He was such a hero to me. I do not think I have wanted to let that go. I felt like today that the Lord allowed me wonderful closure and the ability to know that even HE ( God) cares about the small stuff more than anyone else ever will. It is wonderful to see the Lord show up when you need him the most.

The WEEKEND!!!!

Today started out to be a pretty good day. The weather is gorgeous and that is always wonderful to lift your spirits. Since it is Saturday it is house cleaning day around here. Lots of laundry and things to do. One of my favorite things to do is to mop. I feel like everything is 10 times brighter and cleaner once that is done. As I finished mopping I noticed that Megan was concocting something in the living room. She kept telling me her name was Mary and she was baking a cake. I left her alone mainly because she was at that point not hurting anything and she was acting very good. Needless to say about 10 minutes later I noticed that she had definitely maked a cake and the remnants were all over the carpet and toy chest. The concoction included baby power, dry cereal and water. Yum yum!!!!

Needless to say the mess was made and now it was time to clean up! I laughed under my breath because number one she was having a ball and was so proud of herself and more than that she thought she had done such a wonderful thing for her daddy and I. It was not too big of a mess, nothing that will not vacuum up.

Oh well I am off to clean again. I should be finished sometime before midnight!!!!